Guitar Hero My Ass...

You know what depresses me? Guitar Hero. Sure, it may be fun to play and it sure boasts a killer soundtrack (”Raining Blood” by Slayer!? “Through The Fires And Flame” by Dragonforce!?! Kill me now!), but the fact that the game replaces the six-stringed instrument with five buttons on its neck and installs a switch near the bridge that goes up and down - assuming the movement of string picking - had me shaking my head in disbelief.

Let me make things straight with fans of Guitar Hero and the Bemani series from Konami. As mentioned, I can imagine the game being fun to play because players are able to imitate music by different recording artists and make it their own (well, somewhat) by playing with it using the guitar tailor-made for the game. Plus, practicing for Guitar Hero is less rigorous compared to practicing with a guitar, which simply means that Guitar Hero won’t take much of your precious time burning a hole through walls using your staring powers and fleeting with your thoughts of this futile existence.

However, the good things are pretty much what makes the game suck as well: there would be a greater inclination for people to play Guitar Hero than to pick up a real musical instrument simply because it’s easier, more affordable, and more convenient. Hardcore gamers are now into this shit like guitar whores owning a harem of guitar concubines from different models to different brands. What’s even more annoying is how people are actually posing with the faux-guitar like it’s the real six-stringed thing. Not that it’s destroying the essence of music or anything, but it’s sad how they look like when they pose, pouting lips and all. I mean, the ’80s is so, like, over.

My advice: drop that guitar-thingie, and get a real one. Since we’re at it, get a Stratocaster or a Les Paul, and shred like hell - Yngwie Malmsteen hell! Make your own symphony of destruction, or shred like a tornado of souls. I know, you’ll have to practice in order to reach Randy Rhoads- or Michael Angelo Batio-proportions with the instrument, which is a real bitch to some, but at least you’re gonna be way better than playing with a hokey guitar.

Published at The Geek Revolution on Cctober 8, 2007. Recovered using The Wayback Machine.